It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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