I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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