Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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