Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
