i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
