I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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