If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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