A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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