we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
