Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
