Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
