I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
