just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
