My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
