Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
