i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
