Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
