My hand turned me down
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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