I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
two words...techno handjob
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
