I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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