worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
