The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm passing your future prison.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
