I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
