They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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