Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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