i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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