Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
