speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
