i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
