I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
