She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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