I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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