Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
