Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
