It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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