Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
