Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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