vagina is talking i cant
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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