if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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