cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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