Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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