is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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