I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
