Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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