I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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