I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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