I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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