allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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