The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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