Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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