I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
