she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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